All of us have been in a chaotic situation in our lives. Well, maybe, some are just on their way to the real so-called LIFE. Some already came to the point of giving up at the early age. But life must go on. Seriously. For now it may seem to be in darker world full of hatred, anxiety, envy, suffering, pain. But when you're over it you will be able to say to yourself that "Oh god. I love my life!"
Have you ever feel like you're the only person in the world? I mean everyone seems to be a stranger and enemy for you. It's like you carry all the problems of all the people near you. It's like you feel so tiny and everyone's just stepping and laughing at you. When you try to speak it feels like there's a huge voice saying words like USELESS, STUPID, ASSHOLE, LOSER, WEAK then will laugh at you until you can no longer say what you wanna say. When somebody ask you on something and you can't even open you're mouth because you were too afraid to be rejected and you'll just wish to be swallowed by the ground. At this point in your life you were too afraid. Afraid in choosing the right words and actions. The level of your anxiety is really uncontrollable. It feels like all of your words and actions are wrong. You can't no longer recognize what's right from wrong. You just stuck yourself on a thought that everything about you is completely undefined.
Sometimes you feel that you no longer exist... You keep on asking yourself WHY? But you can't find the perfect answer. Actually there's really nothing to be worried about. There's no problem. It just hit you like a rock then all of a sudden you realized that there's something that you should be worrying. Nothing's wrong but nothing's right either. You always feel like nobody is ready to listen and understand all the shits you're going through. You don't know what you want. You don't know everything. You always complicate your life. You always want to make a problem. Well maybe this is something that i should call ICEBERG of my teenage years. I know that there's many out there who feel like they are all alone in their journey in life. They are depressed but there's nothing wrong. There's really NOTHING WRONG!! I don't know. I honestly don't know what's going on.
My days seem to be vague sometimes. I am happy and sad at the same time. I always see myself at the top of a mountain. Eyes were closed, body is relaxed and as the wind chills my bones it feels like i'm all alone.
I don't know when this feeling is going to end. I don't know how long am i going to be afraid. All i know is that i honestly don't know what to feel in every situation that i'm going to face.
♥,
J
(photo not mine)
